I am the kind of Christian who finds it hard to pray sometimes. Who finds it hard to read the Bible or be gentle and kind. I have days I just do not want to be nice mind you, I have realised at times I resort to blaming it all on the devil but honestly, sometimes it is because I fail to die to myself. I have moments when I want my flesh to win than to yield to the Holy Spirit.
As a young person growing in Christ, most times I get to a point I feel like maybe God is not really for everyone. I see people around me having what I want or what I have prayed for long. It is quite disheartening and there are days (fewer now than before) I feel like maybe I am a second class citizen to God.
I am growing from this mentality but I have noticed that when I push something at the back of my mind-be it emotions of jealousy, envy, lust etc when they come back again when faced with temptation, they will be stronger than before. It is sad that I never really seem to learn. I have days even months when I will only be complaining about my life situation-how am not where I suppose to be or should be. How people my age are doing amazing and world-changing things and I am..just basic. It has killed my faith and hopes most times. I throw pity parties for myself and I even stop reaching out to God..all because WHY DO I NOT HAVE WHAT I HAVE BEEN PRAYING FOR or WHY ME?
Why am I going through this? What did we (black people) do to offend the world so much? Why did I (a dark-skinned black girl) do to be labelled loud and bitter before I am given a chance to be myself? Why my family?Why?Why?WHY?These are some of the questions that run through my mind on a loop and I never really take time to see where they are emerging from or what they make me do. I guess it is because I have come to believe that Christianity is about perfection and always being on cloud 9…IT IS NOT. It really gets tough sometimes.. it is not always, “OMG God is so great” (not that He is not). We struggle and go through a lot too. IT IS A DAILY PROCESS.
I am writing this post to expose my weakness because that is when He is made strong. It is quite a hard truth to believe and hold on too, but God does everything for a reason. All that we are going through, it is not for OUR glory (why me) but all for His glory. Our lives are His canvas, where He paints the perfect picture but it never starts out perfect-it is perfected along the way. At times we end up in a bad situation only because we end up making our own plans and not listening to what He has planned for us. However because He is a loving Father, He is always there to guide and lead us when we stray. He sees it all, the injustice, the strife, diseases and every blow that brings us back to our knees when we try to get back again. Just like most people, I have asked the question: WHERE IS GOD? DOES HE NOT SEE THIS? DOES HE CARE? And yes He does care, I am certain it breaks His heart seeing His children suffer from all ends f the earth. He looks horrified at how we turn against each other but I got to realise, He is holding back because His love is as strong as His rage. He is waiting for all to be saved-all races, gender and ages. He will not let us perish without us knowing or hearing about Him.
2 Peter 3:9~The Lord is not slow in keeping His promises, as some understand slowness. Instead, He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.
Joshua 1 v 8-9: Keep this Book of the Law always on your lips, meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful. Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.
2 Corinthians 12 v 9-11~My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness”.Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weakness, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecution and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
You will have days when you will be tested, pushed and pulled. When you will question your entire existence. Those days will surely come-that is a guarantee but let us learn and thrive to caste all our thoughts and burdens unto God. To have time to talk to Him and get to know Him personally. Let us not wait for Sunday or any other church day to talk to Him. Constantly and fervently talk and seek Him. He is not a feeling or an episode of goosebumps during praise and worship. He is a Father who loves us unconditionally and willingly enough to die for us. He is a Holy God who is steadfast in love and slow in anger.
I pray I keep growing and bare my cross-that I press towards what is ahead not what I face now. I pray we walk together and encourage each other on this journey.
I will post a couple of videos and a book that has helped me and stretched my faith and my walk. Hope they help you too.