I believe we all have our “one-day” hopes. The hopes and dream of finally getting your life together and ultimately be the “you” you dream of. The optimism of finally getting there, arriving at a point where everything in your life will make sense.
I have been a victim of this kind of thinking for a long time. Thinking that the meaning of my life will be defined by one big event, an aha moment that will have me think I have arrived. However, it was only a thought, an illusion that I made myself believe in. There are different areas in my life I have thought would define the meaning and purpose of my existence.
If you have been following my blog, I am sure by now you are accustomed to my dream of being a writer/screenwriter. That is all I dream and think about DAILY. I have always thought, when I get to publish my book and some big streaming service will buy my script, and then, just then, will I know I have made it.
Before I decided to publish my stories on here, that was my mentality. I thought it would all just happen with the blink of an eye. To be honest my “waiting” was misinterpreted and actually crippled me because I stopped living in the moment. I was waiting for that moment to come so I could finally call myself a writer/screenwriter. I thought I had to be well known first to be a writer, but that is not the case.
I decided to arrive every day because life is a journey. You never arrive because it keeps going and going. This is the reason why we have to be in the moment and enjoy the moment. To be fully present because that in itself is a destination. It took me a while to divorce myself from this mentality, and as soon as I did, I got the courage to do so many things. I started my YouTube channel BasicGirl Reads even though I felt I was not ready. I decided to “arrive” even though I did not feel ready.
My faith is the number one thing in my life. I revere God more than anything or anyone. My relationship with God has been toxic. Me being the toxic one, of course. I have been a perfectionist for as long as I can remember. It is a blessing and a curse, but when it came to my spiritual life, it was a burden.
I only thought God wanted people who are perfect, who know the Bible back to front. It was very difficult for me to understand that He loved me. I felt I had to “arrive” to perfection first before He could accept me. I thought He would use me only if I were clean and be like other Christians who showed how God-fearing they were. I thought for God to bless or remember me, I had to be so outstanding, I had to follow certain protocols. However, God is the complete opposite. There is no specific formula to get his blessings. He is with me every day, when I am sad or when I do not “feel” him.
My belief in Jesus being His son, my faith and my trust in Him speaks volume. These are not a prescribed formula but they are what make the journey bearable. I have things I have prayed and fasted for, but I can not bully Him into giving them to me. He does say when the time is right, He will do it but that does not mean I should stop thriving to be better. It means I should keep trusting and serve Him. Knowing that He is with me and loves me, has helped me with anxiety. It has helped me see a bright and beautiful future for myself. I have learnt to centre myself and just be in the moment, meditate on scripture and rest in Him. I arrive at His feet every day and I will not stop until He comes backs.
I am a selfless person and that has left me spent at times. I give my time and energy to those I love. In doing so, I have realised I was neglecting myself. I gave too much that I had none of myself to give to myself. I always thought I would be there for myself when my career was in place and my relationship with God was good, but that is only an illusion.
I kept postponing my happiness, needs and joys. I always thought, “one day I will”, whilst life was going on around me. I stayed so much in my head, I forgot how to be present. This could also because of the trauma I have gone through, I learn to shut everything out but be physically present. I made people the centre of my life whilst I ignored myself. It took a toll on me, I had to rearrange myself and rediscover myself. I used to put so much pressure on myself, trying to be there for others. Now, I am kind to myself. If I can not do something, I will not break my back. I will put myself first, my emotions, mental health and all that life throw at me. I am learning to love myself for myself, whether anyone sees or appreciates it. My worth is mine and I will not wait to be validated, the world will just have to adjust.
I will never arrive at perfection, but I am walking, running and crawling through life the way I want. I am being patient, kind, loving, gentle with myself. Treating myself how I would want others to treat me.
This is a journey I will be on and will be growing on. This is my becoming, never to arrive but always going. I hope this helps you be gentle with yourself and know you are doing the best you can, and you can and will always change for the best and…
So keep growing and God bless!
UNTIL NEXT TIME!