It has been long since I posted and I must say, it feels GREAT to have to “vent”. Well, not so more vent but confess. Like most, I have learnt quite a bit about myself over the last couple of months. Last year was a trying year and has stretched most of us. Over the million things I have come to learn about myself, one was outstanding- how I sabotage myself.
I am yet to understand how and when it started, but I have seen it in how I am scared to try new things, grow in love or go for what I want. I notice it in how I overthink and outthink myself out of something good. I know, I am a mess but I am just grateful I am becoming aware of my toxic traits. I have this unnecessary need of wanting things to be perfect that I end up not doing anything at all. This has affected my first love (writing) and had intensified the writer’s block I am shocked I write at times.
So many things have happened in my life that has left me defeated and I have realised I try my best to control some areas and things. I feel so much has been taken, I tend to want to know, be sure and certain when it comes to certain things. For example, my love life, after being single for 7 years, I struggled (still am) to realise that if things do not go the way I plan or think, it does not mean they are not done right. Yes, it sounds very controlling but I think it is my minds way of protecting me. To go with the safer option that will not hurt me as much. Every so often, I have even ruined possible relationships because something looks different than what I thought it should. Earlier last year, I was in a relationship that did not “go as planned” and it took me a while to recover (still am).
I quickly went into my default mode which is being by myself and believing my worst fears were true. I realised that relationships are great and amazing but at times, your past trauma and hurts will block you from fully embracing. A few people talk about how unlearning things in a relationship can be hard. You project, you overthink and you sabotage. It might change the way you look at love and a healthy relationship might make you “cringe” because you are used to chaos.
From the little I have gathered, I believe I have been through a lot of trauma that my brain now is always in defence mode. I have walls so high at times I feel so trapped. It’s amazing how the mind can trap you in thinking it is protecting you. How the safety of your walls could be what will be blocking you from what you want/need.
I am also beginning to see how my brokenness has seeped into relationships I have been planning to work on. How being loved and appreciated feels so foreign, I overthink it to the point of thinking its a joke. I drive people away without realising it. I have lost some great people and I am not willing to lose the ones I have left.
Which is why my only resolution for next year is to put my faith over my feelings. To not overthink and to understand that as my as what I think or how I feel is valid, it might not always be right. I understand I am a bit late with my post because we are in 2021 now. However, I thought this would be a great introduction and a big step into the new year.
I am learning to understand that I do not always have to be perfect or have things figured out. It is a struggle because my brain is not used to it. It is not at ease with the unknown and not being certain.
So, let me reintroduce myself!
HI, MY NAME IS RUDO AND I AM A GIRL WILLING TO UNLEARN TOXIC TRAITS AND LEARN HEALTHY ONE. A GIRL READY TO STEP OUT OF HER COMFORT ZONE AND NOT TO SABOTAGE HERSELF. A GIRL READY TO BELIEVE AND UNDERSTAND THAT THERE ARE HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS AND I DESERVE TO BE IN ONE. A GIRL READY TO NOT ONLY FOLLOW BUT MAKE HER DREAMS COME TRUE ANF BELIEVE GOD HAS MORE IN STORE!