Rudo Diana Mazvita Manyere.
I have always been a hopeless romantic and to be honest, I pray I remain one. I enjoy all the euphoria of getting to know someone, the butterflies that flutter with every ping from my phone that threaten the corner of my mouth with a smile. I love the stage of discovering suitable and tasteless pet names that may seem silly after a while, but will always mean something. I enjoy the attention, the planning of the future, the mention on “we”, “us”, “our”, tickle my heart and make me think of the colour I want for “our” bedroom wall. I love loud and I love hard, and even when all is said and done, I love from afar.
I have this theory that love does not claim possession but thrives in living in the moment. I realised it was something I had been practising but was not aware of. It came to my attention after a challenge in a 2020 blog challenge where we had to write to our exes. I chose to write for my first boyfriend, the man who introduced me to “soft love”. Before you get ahead of yourself and conclude I am still in love with him, let me explain, our love story was for a season. Just like any other relationship I got into after that.
It has taken me a while to come to qualms with this reality, not everyone is meant be be in your life forever but the best thing you can do is learn. Take the good and improve on that, be grateful you got to experience that. I live by the words of Ermias Joseph Asghedom aka Nipsey Hussle, “ You can not possess people, you can only experience them.” I believe experiencing people gives you a chance to enjoy them in every moment. The good, bad and the unacceptable. There is room for growth and understanding what you want and deserve.
Due to that, I have never been one to keep a grudge of hate my exes. Do not het me wrong, I have been hurt, cheated on, called “too technical” and been heartbroken, but I find holding grudges exhausting. I feel it weighs me down and will hinder me seeing the best in the next person. I do not like giving people power over me, it is too taxing and time consuming. I am also quite skeptical about second chances. Its not that I do not believe in them, but on my part, I feel I would have given my all the first time, the second time around I might not have much to offer. I will forgive you, but I do not see the point of us keeping in touch or being friends. I just feel may that season has ended and we should prepare for the next one.
This is not to dismiss that I want to be with someone at one point in my life. To be joined as one and become one. To have someone who has my back and will find the strength to choose to love me. Who will see my flaws, scars and insecurity but will choose to see the best of me.
I will not lie, it is not from every relationship I have been able to learn positive things from. In others I feel I gave more than I should have, stayed longer than I should have. I am sure we all have a few or one of those. From those, I learnt what I do not like and what I do not deserve. They pushed me to know my worth, build more on my confidence and invest in myself. If anything, they made me raise the bar higher, to “revamp” my standards.
The other important think I have taken away from my past relationship is my inability to love in moderation. It is almost as if my love amplifies with each disappointment or breakup. Even though I have gone through all this, I still believe there is more love out there. I am excited for it and I believe there is someone who is not only going to be for a season, but a lifetime.