I hate how I lose myself to get your attention;
Your attention feeds my ego;
At least I am being seen,it beats being alone;
I do not care how it costs my identity.
I hate how I lose myself to get your attention;
Your attention feeds my ego;
At least I am being seen,it beats being alone;
I do not care how it costs my identity.
The first thing Zadzisai did as soon as she sat in the kombi was to ask the conductor if he could drop her off on Green Lane just before the Glen Lorne Shopping Centre. The conductor looked at her, sneered and continued shouting.
“Glen Lorne, Glen Lorne! Including those before Glen Lorne Shopping Centre”. He ducked into the kombi and said to Zadzisai.
“Eeeh sister, did you hear that? We do pass by Green Lane, kuvarungu we do pass through there. If you tell me the address I am sure I will know the occupants.” She just smiled at him and shook her head. He grinned at her and she could see his three gold teeth at the back of his mouth. She could tell he had had sadza nemuriwo for lunch, as his front teeth had green residue.
It was a chilly Wednesday afternoon, the sky was overcast and the August winds were beginning to introduce themselves. Zadzisai had been looking forward to this day for four years now. It was not her first babysitting gig but she had been trying to get this exact job for six months now. Ever since she got back from England she had been applying for this job and today she would finally meet the family whose life would change, including her own.
She sat between a man who reeked of garlic and could not stop coughing and a lady who was speaking very loudly on her tablet, it looked as if she was holding a counter book to her ear as she shouted into the receiver, “I sent the money via Ecocash Ba Nhamo, send Nhamo now anotora“. The man would try to start a conversation with her here and there but she had her earphones in and pretended to listen to music. The whole trip she had her eyes on the conductor waiting for him to call for Green Lane. Zadzisai zoned out as she began to contemplate on whether it was a good idea or if it was worth the risk. She thought about how Dadirai the only person who had stuck with her four years ago, had helped her get the passport and the visa.
The garlic man nudged her as the kombi came to a halt. “Vekuvarungu, Green Lane is that road there”. The conductor said as he pointed at the road which was opposite the kombi.
“Yaaah, it’s good you had 4 rands yakakwana. Or else I was going to marry you with someone”. Zadzisai got off and thanked the conductor, he just nodded his head and banged the top of the kombi to signal the driver. As the kombi took off, she crossed the road and took out her phone. She began to look through her messages with Mrs Warren to make sure she was in the right street and for the address. She put the address on Google Maps to make sure she would not get lost. It would take her 12 minutes to walk to the house.
The houses looked like the ones from Bicester Village in Oxford, the ones where you knew rich people lived there. The air was clean and unpolluted, the birds sang a different tune from the ones from her neighbourhood. All the lawns were neatly manicured and the houses were all more than two stories. She stopped as a car passed by wishing it was Mrs Warren but the driver was completely different from the picture she had.
“Zadzie, you can not go back now”, she said to herself as she walked.”You have been waiting for this for four years now, you deserve to be happy. Yes, amai nababa do not approve and will not after what Tongai did. However it is not your fault that he decided to run away with someone’s husband, you can not pay for his mistake. You deserve this, the way it happened was a mistake but the result was not”.
Zadzisai stood in front of the house with the address she was given. It was not very different from the ones she had seen as she was walking, but the bronze gates had huge W’s carved on them. The palm trees shielded the house, one could only see the Satellite Dish from outside.
“In two days you will be back in England Zadzie, just get it over with”, she convinced herself. She fixed her afro and as she was smoothing her dress, she spotted a clove of garlic. She took a deep breath, remove it and pressed the intercom.
“Hello, Mrs Warren speaking how can I help you”, a voice with a distinctive accent comes from the intercom. “It’s Zadzie, Mrs Warren. The babysitter…how are you?”,she said as she looked at the gate.
“Oh, darling, you made it. I was beginning to worry but Owen told me you seem like a woman of your word. Let me buzz you in”. She heard a soft buzz and the gates opened ajar, two brown dogs that looked like overgrown rats came running towards her.
“Gumdrop!! Sheepy!! No, get away from Zazie! Shuuu shuuu, boys where are your manners!”, a blonde petite woman shouted from the balcony. She looked like one of those retired supermodels, you could only see her wrinkles when she smiled or grimaced. She came down the stairs and hugged Zadzie, looked at her and hugged her again.
“Wow, you are more beautiful than I thought. Is that your real hair?”, she said she reached to touch it. Zadzisai shook her hand as she was about to touch it,
“Yes ma’am, it is my real hair. You have a very beautiful house”, she said moving a bit further from her.
“Oh thank you, darling, please come inside. I need to show you around so that you are familiar with the place before you start on Friday. And please call me Victoria, ma’am makes me feel old. After all 44 is the new 20”, Victoria laughed heartedly as she led Zadzisai to the kitchen. As she followed Victoria, Zadzisai was looking for signs of the child she would be babysitting.
“Angelina, come down sweetheart. I need you to meet someone”, Victoria shouted from the bottom of the stairs. Zadzisai’s heart began to pound and she could hardly breathe.
“How do you pronounce your name again, Zazie? Right? I always try to pronounce names correctly even though some of them are tongue twisters”, she said as she poured herself a glass of wine and an Appetizer for Zadzisai.
“Its actually Zadzisai but Zee will be fine”. As Zadzisai was talking, Gumdrop and Sheepy can down the stairs and Angelina was behind them trying to catch up. The dogs disappeared into the lounge before Angelina could catch them.
Zadzisai gasped and held her mouth,” She looks just like him, she has her father’s eyes”.Her eyes became glassy. She stared at Angelina until she was in the kitchen standing next to Victoria. She wore a pink dress similar to hers but with a darker hue.
“Zee, what did you say? Oh, we adopted her four years ago but a lot of people say she has Owen’s eyes even though his are blue and hers are brown. I guess its the shape they will be talking about”. Victoria exclaimed as she reached out to hug Angelina who was shyly staring at Zadzisai.”
“Yes, I guess its the shape that they will be talking about. You said she is four? How did you end up getting her?”. Zadzisai tried to compose herself and act natural. Victoria looked at Zadzisai, smiled down at Angelina and asked her if she could go and find the dogs then she would introduce her to Zadzisai. Angelina ran towards the living room door and disappeared.
“Zazie, we haven’t actually discussed or told Angelina about her adoption. We feel she is still young and even though she is black and we are white, we see no colour she is our baby. We got her from a family in Westgate after their daughter was impregnated at 17. They could not handle the embarrassment because unfortunately, their son ran away with someone’s husband. Its a shame, the parents took the baby from their daughter and told her the baby was still borne. They sent her to England the last I heard but they were very desperate we received Angelina the day after she was born, on my 40th birthday.”, she said as she reached for a tissue to dry the corner of her eyes. She took two sips of her wine and looked at Zadzisai.
“She is a real miracle, we could not have a child so Owen and I opted for adoption and I do not regret it”. Angelina came running back in with the dogs, she stood in front of Zadzisai and shook her hand.
“I am Angelina Warren, what is your name?”. She smiled showing her toothless mouth to Zadzisai who laughed out loud, they all did.
“Mommy, I like her. Can we keep her?”. She looked up to Victoria who smiled back at her daughter and said.
“Yes, we can keep her”.
As Victoria was walking Zadzisai out the door, she gave her an extra key and told her she could start the day after tomorrow but she could come tomorrow to get to know Angelina whilst she ran errands. She escorted her to the gate and hugged her tightly, Angelina walked behind Victoria and waved as the gate was closing.
As soon as Zadzisai arrived home, she called Dadirai.
“Shaa, I just met my daughter for the first time. She has Tapfumaneyi’s eyes, she is beautiful Dadie. Hiiii mwana wangu nhai!”, she began to cry.
“What are you planning on doing then Zee, are you still thinking of taking her to England? It is risky because this is kidnapping ka. Since Mugabe resigned hakusisina corruption so you might end up in prison, Chikurubhi straight before you make it to the airport.”
“I am taking her Dadie, she is the only thing I have. You helped me with her passport and visa, all I need is her and kuswera mangwana I am taking my daughter home. She is mine and she deserves to be with her real mother. They call her Angelina but before I gave birth to her I always called her Muneni. That is her name.”
“Hhhmmm Zee you know I always support you but think hard on this. I am not comfortable with this and I might end up losing my job at the Embassy if this blows over. Think about it, give it two days because ndaakutotya.”, Dadie said to Zadzisai.
“Ok, I will think about it. I will take time, thank you Dadie. Wakaita basa hako. You gave me a chance to see the only thing worth risking my life for. Thank you”.
“No worries Zee, but chimbofunga about it”, Dadie suggested.
As soon as Zadzisai hung up the phone, she began to pack her bags and booked two one way tickets to Heathrow Airport. She put her phone in water and began to plan for the next day, her trip back to Green Lane and straight to Heathrow with her daughter.
For 3 months now, Nyarai had been standing in front of mirrors every morning. She would turn around from side to side and imagine if there was another way of covering her protruding stomach. She had been trying it since Thursday last week but it was now painful and uncomfortable. She did that now in front of the wardrobe mirror as she took her zambia.
Taku was sitting in the dining when she came out, he was Mai Mfundisi’s 15-year-old son.He had his father’s big, bright eyes and bushy eyebrows.
“Sisi Nyarai I am hungry, make me something to eat. Mama said you should be done the cooking by 7 o clock as there is a prayer meeting tonight. Don’t forget to polish my shoes and pack my bag, tomorrow I am being made a prefect. I want to be presentable.”, he said as he dropped his bag on the marble dining table and went to his room. “Ehoi,mukoma Taku”. She walked into the kitchen, where the dishes from lunch were waiting for her and a note with the menu for the dinner. She made Taku a PB and J sandwich and called him to tell him it was ready. She began to take out the pots and the ingredients for the dinner.
“Nyarai,!, Taku shouted from his room”ko why are you not bringing the sandwich to me? You know how I hate pausing my games. Nxaa, the what would you know about online games. No wonder Mama says you are useless.” He stomped into the kitchen, took the sandwich and slammed his kitchen door as he went out.
Nyarai pretended not to hear him and continued to peel the potatoes by the sink. When she turned around to get the fresh cream from the fridge, she saw Mfundisi standing next to the fridge looking at her.
“Maswera sei Mfundisi”, she said as she curtsied in front of him.
“Hhhhmmm Nyarai, there is no need for you to be doing all that. Come give daddy a hug. Heeee, come and I have missed you shaa”, Mfundisi said as he walked toward her.
“No”, she said as she pushed him back, “Mukoma Taku is here, I don’t want him to catch us like he almost did the last time”.She went back to the sink and continued to peel the potatoes. Mfundisi walked towards her and put his hands around her waist, Nyarai dropped the potato she was peeling and the knife in the sink and rested in his embrace.
“I need you to stop calling that boy mukoma, he is 6 years younger than you for goodness sake. Doesn’t he know you are carrying his little brother or sister”, Mfundisi said as he rubbed Nyarai’s belly? She was 6 months along but someone who did not know he could not tell that she was pregnant. She placed her hands on top of Mfundisi’ and smiled.
“Asi nhai daddy, when are we going to tell people about us. I can not keep tying my stomach and soon that slow wife of yours will catch on. Mxxm, people need to know I am the real first lady of the church. That Mai Mfundisi title is mine and you need to start doing something because our child is due in less than 3 months”, Nyarai said as she freed herself from Mfundisi’s arms and walked towards the fridge for the fresh cream again.
“Honey, I know how you feel and I agree. Hhhhmm, but you know with me being the pastor it takes time and I need to be careful of my reputation. I also need to know Taku is taken care of when I decide to divorce his mother”.
“Decide? Aah, what to do you mean decide? she looked at him with her hands on her hips, “Lameck, urikuti?”. She walked towards him and as she was about to poke his head with her finger, Mai Mfundisi came through the kitchen door. Mfundisi looked at his wife and at Nyarai, he then pretended as if he had been telling Nyarai off.
“See these plate Nyarai, they are ceramic, not zenge which you are used to in the rural areas. Do you hear me?”, he said as he walked towards his wife to kiss her.
”Ah daddy, I have told her that before but I guess you can take the girl out of the rural areas but not the rural out of the girl”, she sneered and kissed her husband.
“How was your day my love”, Mfundisi asked as he escorted her to the dining room and winking at Nyarai who was in the kitchen behind him. They left the kitchen and Nyarai stood in the kitchen teeming with anger. She collected herself and began making the scalloped potatoes.
“Iwe Nyarai”, Mfundisi shouted from the dining room, “make my wife a cup of tea and no sugar please, she is sweet enough”. She heard them laugh from the kitchen.
“Ehoi Mfundisi”, Nyarai responded. She put the kettle on and prepared the tea for Mai Mfundisi. As she was at the door about to enter the dining room with the cup of tea, Nyarai spat in the tea. She smiled and said to herself, “All this will be mine soon”.Taking the tea to Mai Mfundisi.
I have never been the beautiful girl;
I am that girl who is never asked to twirl;
Thick eyebrows and unmanicured nails ;
Trying to fit in but always fails.
I am the girl who finds it hard to walk in heels;
Laughing with them but deep down they do not know how i feel;
Praying to God each night to be like them;
But that is not who i am;
I wish i had the long hair;
Oh,how I wish i did not care;
But i do and each day is a torment;
And with that i am never content;
I am that girl who never gets the boy;
And if i do,always the toy;
Being blamed afterwards;
Being told i am not up to standard
I want to love without trying; I want to love without reason; I want to love unconditionally; Not because i HAVE to but because i WANT to.
I love the way my heart skips a beat when you walk through the door;
How I have to catch my breath before you say hello;
I love how your words mould my soul like you are the Potter;
How you reshape my heart like putt in your hands:
You became my god
How I kept and believed each word from your mouth like commandments;
I freely gave my body to you as I believed it was your temple;
I miss your hugs,your hands,your passion..
But I do not miss your dysfunctional functioning;
Walking on eggshells not to arouse your anger;
Repenting daily only to sacrifice my heart;
You became my god;
now i am sitting here,searching for the perfect words to describe how i feel l know what i feel is not something i am proud to admit but yes, l am jealous of her,i am jealous of how l know right now she is the only one on your mind and you can not think …