Can I be honest? Can I be truly and transparently honest? I have a hard time trusting God. I know, tragic right but that is my honest truth. I FEEL like He has let me down so many times-trusting God are words I use to encourage others but never relate to. I FEEL like He has favourites who He gives abundantly and pays attention to and I am one of the black sheep who is given the crumbs and hardly any attention. I FEEL like this each time my hope is crushed and I have to piece it back together again-thinking, WHERE IS HE? DOES HE NOT SEE THIS? IS HE REALLY REAL? WHY ME?. These are the most frequent question that runs through my mind when I FEEL let down. I lose hope and I resort to self-reliance.
I take things into my own hands and deal with them on my own terms. I mean, if I fail or let myself down then I have me to blame. I do not have to wait for weeks, months or eternity-I CAN MAKE THIS HAPPEN!
I have done this so many times and have I succeeded fully in whatever I will be trying to do?NO!It frustrates me even more and I end up not knowing where to turn to. I throw myself a pity party and THINK of how I can not go to God because I am heavily tainted and unacceptable. I wallow in my failure-I let my disappointments soak into my soul and wash away any hope remaining. The fatal thing about it is, I actually like it, its comfortable and its satisfying for a little while.
This has been my dilemma for the last couple of months. I trust Him partially with the expectation of HIM letting me down. I do not give myself away COMPLETELY-I says it, type it and even like a post on Instagram when people encourage their multitudes of followers, but personally, I wrestle with it. I trust in God the same way I trust a friend who has let me down before(always have a backup plan, “just in case”). I always have to have some sort of control, I FEEL I have lost so much I just need something to hold on to and control on my own terms.
I have become conscious of the fact that how I feel and what God says are complete opposites. The reason why I was highlighting the words FEEL, COMPLETELY and THINK-is because God is not moved by my emotions or my thoughts. I do not have to stew in my emotions-because emotions are strongly attached to the flesh. It is human to be emotional, and we should be, but when it gets in the way of trusting God-it becomes destructive. It becomes a mini-god who we run to and believe over what God really says in His word.
Galatians 5 v 16-24~But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law. Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions.
This is one of my MANY struggles in my walk with Christ-I give into how I feel first before I believe what He says about me. So, I have decided to COMPLETELY trust Him in private and in public, when I FEEL like I should not or THINK I can do it myself. I am going to have faith that He will see me through as He said, and He will do it for me as He has done it for my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. I am sure He has been waiting all this while for me to just trust in Him-and understand that the closed doors I perceived to be disappointments-were just redirection. It is hard to fathom or accept but He does all things for our good. Christianity is dying to self each and every day and I am glad that He is perfecting me by forcing me to see my errors without abandoning or shunning me.
He is a good Father, even when I throw tantrums-He is patient with me, allows me to face the consequences of my errors but keeps holding me close. So this is literally me outing myself, confessing my shortcomings to my fellow brothers and sisters because after all His WORD says:
Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results.
NOT ALL WHO WANDER ARE LOST, MOST TIMES THEY NEED REDIRECTION.