I remember how excited I was to be with you. How after a long time being single, I was ready to be in a relationship again. We had known each other for a long time and felt it was the right time to try. We had both agreed to build our friendship first and see if a romantic relationship was something we wanted.
We tried it out, and it was great. I opened myself up to love again. Being cautious but eager. It wasn’t until I began noticing how you implied I felt a certain way when I did not. You would say I was angry/upset when I was not. It made me angry that you would keep insisting I was. It was after a while I realised you were projecting. You thought I was her, you wanted me to be her. I guess I ignored the flags, how you thought every disagreement was an argument. I wanted to reassure you that I was not her, not in a degrading way, but for you understand I am Rudo, not her.
I later realised you were using me to get over her. You can imagine the pain I felt, having given my all and not holding or blaming you for someone’s mistakes. I wasn’t perfect, but I meant every word. When I told you I loved you, I meant it. I am the kind of person who says things only when I mean them. That is why it took me time to say it though you had said it a couple of times.
After you ended it, after a disagreement you did not want to discuss. You said I had disrespected you, I apologised realised how I had made you feel without realising. Even though it had only happened once, you said I had CONSISTENTLY disrespected you, but you could not tell me how, even though we had agreed to tell each other everything. I respected your decision and took my L, I am quite good at that. I accepted my mistake, however, as I began analysing our relationship, I realised you were using me to fill her void. I was angry, resentful and bitter for a while, and at times I catch myself thinking about it.
However, I chose to grow. To move on and understand I am not for everyone and everyone is not for me. I still catch myself thinking of you at times, but I am reminded how I could have easily taken a path to “struggle love”, and that is something I promised myself never to endure again.
You unconsciously made me realised I deserved better. To be loved fully and loudly. To understand that if someone wants to be with you, they will make an effort. They will not ghost you after one argument or question your relationship status. I am not fashioned for that kind of love.