It is safer to blame you;
It is easier to accept that I was not aware;
Aware of how you loved me the best you could;
Unconditionally yet dysfunctional;
Faithfully but selfishly;
My heart was open to the fantasy;
But my eyes were shut to the reality.
It is safer to blame you;
It is easier to accept that I was not aware;
Aware of how you loved me the best you could;
Unconditionally yet dysfunctional;
Faithfully but selfishly;
My heart was open to the fantasy;
But my eyes were shut to the reality.
Ego~self-esteem; self-importance; self-worth.
Egotist~a person who is excessively conceited or self-absorbed in themselves.
Decree~the official order that has the force of law.
Declare~ saying something in a solemn and emphatic manner.
Pride~feeling of deep pleasure or satisfaction derived from one’s own achievements if one’s close associations.
Confidence~the feeling or belief that one can have faith in or rely on someone or something.
Growing up, having self-confidence or being bold enough to believe in yourself was taken as being full of yourself or egotistic. It was seen as being in over your head because well, you are not that important and you are just like everyone else. Which to some extent is true but I always believed we are great in our own way-I still do. This self-love journey I am on (still en route) has taught me that self-confidence is important. I have had low self-esteem issues in many areas in my life and at times it was intentional. I have never liked being the centre of attention, so at times I would intentionally dial myself down to try and fit in with everyone else. I know, it’s sad but true.
I would not yield to my full potential because I would try and make those around me feel better about themselves or not feel bad about not doing very well. I realise I was actually setting myself back and damaging them in the process. The first I thought it was the noblest thing to do then, but now that I know a little better, I would have done my best and not limit myself. I would have done my very best, push myself and help those around me. That would have been the best option because we would have challenged each other and grew from that. We would fail, yes, but we would have been confident together.
I was binge watching this other day and I came across a video by Simon Sinek (one of my favourite speakers, oh my gosh!) and he was talking about how Mohammed Ali would always say, “I AM THE GREATEST”.He said it in a way I never imagined and it stuck with me. He said, when Ali was saying (decreeing and declaring -for the saints)that he was the greatest, he was simply talking himself into believing it first. And when he started to believe it not think it, the whole world began to believe with him. It is amazing how this self-affirmation (self-confidence) made him the greatest, all because he believed it and worked towards it(mind over matter). He loved himself enough to believe he was the greatest-just as how you should believe in yourself first before anyone talks you down and defines you.
I understand to other people, it may seem as if I am encouraging pride or forming an egotistic army. Not at all, God wants us to be confident in ourselves and most importantly in Him. The Bible encourages us to be confident because if we are not, we are easily shaken and end up following and falling for everything that comes our way. As Christians, self-confidence is super important-Paul emphasises on it:
2 Timothy 1:7- For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid but gives us power, love and self-discipline.
Hebrews 10:35 v36- Therefore, do not throw away your confidence, which has a great reward.For you have the need for endurance, so that when you have done the will of God, you may receive what He promised.
Hebrews 13:6- So we say with confidence, “The Lord is my helper, I will not be afraid. What can mere mortals do to me?
This post is for anyone who feels they are not good enough or have been told so I understand, I have been there and will be told so in future. Let us start by believing in ourselves and most importantly God-be it a business plan, career choice, parenting, marriage whichever you are facing be confident and pray. Confidence and pride are completely different, God loves confidence but detests pride. Confidence involves Him but pride replaces Him.
Each day, take a moment to look at yourself and decree and declare that:
I am blessed
I am loved
I am victorious
I am beautiful/handsome
I am the glorious
I am powerful
I am saved
Add more to the list and talk yourself up. Do not wait for anyone to do it for you because no-one might ever say it to you. Believe it and the world will believe it with you.
I will post a couple of videos that have helped me and I hope they help you too. Please remember that you are important, loved, special and beautiful- not in everyone’s eyes (not that it matters) but in God’s heart. THAT MUCH I BELIEVE.
P.S: The last video is a bit focusing on Quarter Life Crisis but I believe it fits here too.
Fear always dominates, she always wants to be the centre of attention and in charge;
She is usually the one who makes the final decisions, together with her entourage doubt and pessimism;
She always invites low self-esteem, loneliness and anger to join the party, and they always show up;
Anger is the life of the party, she likes to reminisce and is on constant replay, the rejection, lonely valentines, the exes are her favourite stories;
She feeds off of them, and when anger feed, she tends to build walls- the NO LOVE ALLOWED wall;
She claims it is what’s best for me-unforgiveness is always a late comer but she is always followed by resentment, bitterness and hostility.
Even though I host the party, I am never really invited because I always bring hope;
Hope is always at the back of the room, always trying to blend with the wall, she is NEVER welcome;
Fear and anger say they will be keeping me safe, low self-esteem and loneliness will keep me company;
Resentment, bitterness and hostility are always there to catch me.
How can I say no when they have never let me down?
Today I choose me;
I choose my acne and my stretch marks;
The unlovable traits that make me,ME;
The me who is sidelined by the world but mostly by me;
Today I choose to wine and dine her;
I choose to love her flaws openly and embrace her publicly;
I choose to watch her learn and understand herself;
I love how she speaks her mind and silences her doubts;
How she bears her Cross with failure but consistently;
I choose to let her fear and hurt;
I choose to watch her fail,fall and bruised;
Because I know,NO I believe she will rise again only because she was CHOSEN before she chose herself through HIM.
Ephesians 1:4~God chose us to be holy and blameless in God’s presence before the creation of the world.
This is my own personal experience, it does not apply to everyone but if it helps that will be pretty awesome.
I started praying for my future husband when I was 17 years old. Then I was oblivious as to what it really meant to pray for your husband as I only focused on the physical attributes~tall, nice smile and “buffy” body. I thought that was all it took, at that age, I never really thought that I had to pray for a Godly man. It never registered in my mind that, praying for my future husband’s spirit man, health and friendships.
It was until around the time I turned 20 years I began to intentionally pray for him but I had to heal from my past first. I thought healing from my past relationships would be as easy as deciding not to think about them and convince myself that I had forgiven my exes and I was fine. So I DECIDED I was cool, I would pray for a Godly man, patient, loving, leader, provider, understanding and all of that. I enjoyed praying for him and would ask God to protect him in the now and for him to know he was loved etc. Funny but not so funny thing about it is was, when I was praying God would convict me to pray for my exes. At first, I thought maybe I was just subconsciously reminiscing or the devil was tampering with my future(which he loves to do by the way) so I ignored it. However the more I ignored it, the more God convicted me to pray for them. He would randomly drop one of their names whilst I was praying. I began thinking maybe I was still clinging on to them or still had feelings for them but actually it was because I had not completely forgiven them.
It was after I acknowledged and admitted that I had not fully forgiven them and that I was broken, angry and hurt~I began to truly heal. Praying for them became easier and I prayed from the heart but I never contacted them. I learnt that when you forgive, you don’t necessarily need to keep in touch. It pushed me harder to pray for my future husband but this time around with purpose and passion. I began to see praying for my future husband as war-not against my exes or anyone physical but the devil. He is at work lying to us that love only hurts, stealing our joy and hope of courting God’s way and killing our faith by only presenting broken homes and unhealthy relationships to have us believe that love, happiness and commitment do not exist.
As I was going through that process, the Holy Spirit then convicted me to write letters to my future husband. I began to write every month (from June 2016, even though sometimes I forget or become too busy), each time I bare my soul and I write everything single thing about myself. In my mind writing him letters is helping him to understand me more but I am sure God has other reasons for me writing them. It’s crazy but sometimes I write to him when I miss him (I haven’t met him yet and I have no idea who or where he is) and I feel giddy (the good kind) thinking about him though I can never put a face to him.
I plan to give the letter to my HUSBAND (that means after the wedding) as part of his wedding present and I pray he might know and understand the reason why I listened to God and wrote them. God works in a mysterious way and at times we never understand why He makes us do things but in due time it will make sense.
Now, this is my own story on how I healed from my breakups, it was not easy but each time I wanted to ignore it(pain, brokenness, resentment etc) and forget, God would remind me how I prayed that He prunes me and make me more like Him. I understand we all have different healing methods but one thing I know is true healing comes with fully admitting you are broken. If you are going through a breakup or you are still mad at your ex-please pray and heal. Let go of all of the negativity and be hopeful that God heals and restores you. I chose to heal because I believe my future husband deserves the best as much as I do.
This time around I has a book which might help with courting God’s way by Myles Munroe (the one in the picture at the top). Its obviously after the HEALING PROCESSES..but I believe this book will open your mind to what builds a relationship- from friendship to marriage.
Thank you for reading..feel free to share your healing methods, they could help someone.
Tawanda was amazed at how beautiful Chido looked, he could not find words but all he could do was to think about how someone could be that beautiful. He could barely see her face underneath her wedding veil but he still believed he had never seen someone so enchanting. She was the only woman he knew would pull off short hair on her wedding day. The white hue of her dress complimented her dark skin, glistening with the Shea Butter she had put on her “must have” list. The dress traced every inch of her hourglass figure. At that moment he could not see the girl he grown up with but the woman he had fallen in love with since he could remember. He could smell the Sí deodorant he had bought for her on her engagement party, lingering at the nape of her neck as he hugged her.
“You look beautiful Chido”, Tawanda said as he looked down at her but he knew she had not heard his as she continued fussing with her dress and mumbling to herself trying to calm down. He took her hands and searched for her eyes underneath her veil, she appeared scared. She was breathing heavily, seemed tense and her hands were sweaty in Tawanda’s.
“So this is it, the man of my dreams is waiting for my walk down the aisle but I can not move my feet “, Chido says as she gathers herself and tried to smile.
“Tawanda, do look nervous, but is my dress alright sha“?.
“You look beautiful Chido”, Tawanda repeated and faced the door towards which he was going to escort her to her future husband, the man who would have her forever, the only man she would have FOREVER. Chido looked up at Tawanda who was looking at the door. She smiled to herself, breathed in and out, gathered herself and looked straight at the door which they were to walk through. The pianist began to play, Marry your daughter by Brian McKnight.
“I love you Chido, I always have. I love everything about you, even the things I do not like, I love. And I want you with me, I love you and I think you love me too. I know after the whole Tinaye drama you vowed to never be with someone familiar but I know you did not ask me to walk down the aisle because I am like a brother to you. I know it is because I am the only person you feel safe and comfortable with and I promise to always do that for the rest of your life. So before I walk you down to him, answer me this. Do you love me too?”.
He looked down at her as the doors opened and the guests stood up in the chapel looking at them. Chido froze and looked up at him and whispered,
This was how Tawanda always imagined it would be like, which is why the question Chido asked caught him by surprise. It was a hot Friday afternoon, the air was dry and even though it was five in the evening, the sun was as bright as midday. You could clearly tell it was September. Not so far one could hear the hwindi’s shouting Copacabana; Waterfalls; Glen Lorne in all directions, vendors advertising their goods and trying to bargain with the customers, kombi’s reeving trying to overtake each other before rush hour, cars hooting and people shouting but all Tawanda could hear was the sound of his heart beating loudly in his ears. He sat up and looked directly at Chido as she was finishing the last of her Cascade opposite him. They were sitting in the Chicken Inn restaurant opposite 4th street, they had both come from work and decided to catch up. The restaurant was beginning to fill in as school children and those coming from work were unwinding at treating themselves.
“Hey, Tawanda did you hear me. I know its kind of short notice and all but I really feel like Garie is the one. He gets me unoziva, he treats me very nice. After the whole Tinaye drama you know how I vowed never to be with someone known to my circle. Well Garikai is and I can tell he is a keeper”, Chido smiled at her phone looking at her wallpaper which was Garikai’s picture. Tawanda kept staring at her hoping she would look at him. He sips on his Coca Cola and cleared his throat.
“Yeah, I did hear you. Since I am the person who knows you more than anyone, you are asking me if I could help your fiancé write his vows? Chido, you deserve someone who does not need help or encouragement but who is ready at any point and time to confess and say how much you mean to them”. He reached for her hand across the table and looked at her. Looking at her made the room stand still, the kombis, vendors and hwindis sank into the silence.
“Chido, you deserve someone who will wait for you, someone who will let you show them your scars, flaws and insecurities but love you anyway. You deserve someone who sees a wife rather than a girlfriend but waits to make you a wife to do girlfriend things with you. You deserve the best and I believe you have it in front of you”. He looked at her and she looked at him confused. Chido freed her hands from his, looked down at her phone and smiled.
“Iiiih Tawanda, you scared me for a while. Wanga wandityisa. The person in from of me you meant Garie!”, she laughed nervously looking at her phone with Garikai as the wallpaper.
“Aah I thought you were referring to yourself ka and I was thinking Kuti hhhmmm kana. No, you wouldn’t”. Tawanda smiled to himself and took another sip of his Coca Cola.
“Ko blaz, I have phone chargers and phone cases. Any type and colour, ndokupai?”,a young boy came to their table trying his luck.
“No mfaname, we are ok”, Tawanda smile at the little boy.
“Aaah mfaname do you have earphones? I lost mine wangu.”, Tawanda said as he searched his pockets for money to buy the earphones.
“Iwe Tawanda, look you have your earphones there. Why are yo..”, Chido said as she reached for his earphones in his sling bag. Tawanda looked at her and nod his head.
“Aah mudhara thanks, this is my first buy this evening. Maspaka mukoma”, the young boy said as he walked away counting the money.
Chido exhaled as she looked at her phone, she looked at Tawanda and smiled.
“Tawanda I have to go now, thank you so much for agreeing to this. Shaa makes sure you say everything you said just now. I am sure that is exactly how Garie feels but he has a hard time expressing himself”.She stood up kissed his cheek and left the restaurant. The only thing that remained was the Sí deodorant he bought her on her engagement party.
After twenty years of friendship, Tawanda could not figure out how Chido could not see that he was the one for her. He was the one who had been always there. He watched her go wondering if she was the one who got away or was he the one who got away. He texted Tambirai to tell her he was ready to give them another chance and his head was clear now, he knew who he had to be with and that was her. He untangled his earphones from his pocket, played “I will” by Mali Music on his phone, as he walked to his car.
“A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity”~Proverbs 17 v 17
Friendship is one of the most underestimated relationships. In this era of “cutting off” people and being “your own day one”, it has become quite hard to really have true friends. As we grow up and mature, we end up having different ideologies and beliefs. We all become different people and that is alright. I have friends I have drifted from, not because we fought but that is part of life. Not everyone is meant to be in your life forever but make sure you learn something from every single person who crosses your path.
As I began the self-love journey, there was a period where I was at crossroads whether I should let go of my old friends because we now had different mentalities and rarely communicated. My mind was set to just start afresh and get new friends because at times I would text them or write letters but they would make little effort to do the same. I would tell them that it was not fair, I would lash out sometimes and ignore the group chat messages.
I tried so much to let go of them but I could not, so I started praying for them. I began to communicate with them not so they could do the same but to check on them. I became intentional about my friendships, some of them did not reply or they were not interested and I was alright with it because my intentions were now different. I was not communicating or writing them letters so they could reply and I could feel good about myself. I did it because I was convicted to check up on them and talk to them even if it was only hie and bye.
It made it easier to understand that at times it was not because they did not want to talk to me or write back but we are adults now and we are busy individuals. With school, work, placements/internships, stress and all that life throws at us, it can be hard to keep up and keep in touch. With that mentality, it made it easier for me to liaise with them and to keep praying for their wellbeing. I began to truly love them, enjoy their opinions and agree to disagree. I began to make new friends who are just as amazing as my old friends. I began to see friendship as one of the most important relationships, even in courtship and marriage you have to be friends first.1 Corinthians 13 v 4 is what I base EVERY relationship in my life on~even with strangers.
So this Valentine’s Day I dedicate it to my friends and my future friends too who I can not wait to meet, love and learn from. We are all not perfect and never will be but if you can, try and be a friend to someone. As much as we think we are better off alone, we NEED friends, especially Godly friends. Friends who build, encourage and support you in different ways. Most of my friends are not very fond of reading and writing blogs but they support me the best they can even if its not their forte. I am very grateful for them and I know we might/will drift as time goes on BUT in this present moment I choose to embrace, love, support and encourage them the best I can.
I will post some YouTube videos which have helped me too. Hope they do the same.
I love binge watching Ted Talks and inspirational videos on YouTube.One day I came across a very interesting topic about quarter-life crisis. I was not really sure what it was about but after watching it, I realised it is something I go through almost every day. As a millennial (a person reaching young adulthood in the 21st century), but there is a lot of pressure on us. There is this belief that we have to accomplish certain things at a certain time. We have to have a degree at 21, car at 23, the house at 25, married at 27 and kids at a certain age. Society expects us to be somewhere or have something at a certain age, but it is not as realistic as it is presented to us. There is a lot of pressure on us to catch up to the status quo. This results in most of us being stressed and depressed (some without knowing it or realising it). Majority of people understand depression as being paranoid, withdrawn (mood swings) or suicidal (which has claimed so many lives) but it has some of the most unexpected symptoms or signs. For example, sleeping too much or too little, eating too much or too little, not caring about your appearance, not interested in anything, trouble concentrating or being forgetful, fear of failing without trying, losing confidence, feeling numb and a whole lot more. And these are not even the clinical symptoms!
This is something the majority of millennials go through without realising it, including myself. At this age, we are torn between what we want to do or what we were told to do. We are at crossroads on whether to pursue what we are passionate about or what makes us richer and “stable”. We are allowed to dream all of our lives but as soon as we reach around eighteen, we are told to choose more “realistic” career paths. And we are expected to have it all figured out when we are just getting to know and understand ourselves.
Where I come from (Zimbabwe), there is no such thing as depression. Its either you have a bad attitude or you are just a lazy, ungrateful and disrespectful person. When we trying to speak our mind or voice our opinions its classed as being ill-mannered or disobedient. When we feel withdrawn, aloof or numb, it is classed as idle or dull and it actually becomes your label. Most of us can not talk about it because we are accused of pretending, being weak or told to suck it up as an adult. Even when we tell our brothers and sisters in Christ, its deemed as lack of faith or you are not praying enough. I truly believe the quarter-life the crisis is something crucial that we have never really thought about.It needs as much attention as midlife crisis or any other crisis because so many lives are being lost, dreams and passions are fizzled out because what we hope for never really happens the way we expect. The older generation think of it as the rebellious period, at times yes because we are now exposed to the things we have been looking forward to but at times it is a cry for help.
We internalise the stress and we end up bitter, lashing out and paranoid. And we convince ourselves we are not good at anything, for example, most of my life I have always thought I am not talented or gifted in any way. This has pressured me to try and do something that I do not like only because I want to prove to everyone and myself that I might be good at something. Comparison kicks in and there are millennials who have set the bar pretty high and the bar is very hard to reach eg Mark Zuckerberg, Malala Yousafzai and many others. Unemployment rates are high amongst millennials, not because we are lazy but we are expected to have thirty years experience by our twenty-first birthday. Others are even fired for being too young and told to learn to bounce back regardless. There are even those who have ticked all the boxes of society’s status quo, successful, independent, car, private jet-you name it but they still go through the quarter-life crisis. We are not a lazy generation as I heard someone say.”The generation of young people who throw tantrums when they are not given what they want”.We are just misunderstood and it would make a huge difference if the older generations could hear us out and realise we are more than what meets the eye.
So many of us have times when we get stressed and depressed or you know someone who is going through it. Please know you are not the only one but their millions if not billions of us out there. Make sure you have someone to talk to and let us believe and pray that God helps us through it too(as much as we might be told we have little faith or are not praying enough-He is always there regardless and He will never leave you). I will post the links of some Ted Talks videos which have opened my mind to this and I hope it helps you too. Knowing how not a lot of people like reading, I opted for videos on this topic.
Proverbs 3 v 6: in all your ways submit to him, and He will make your path straight.
I took this picture on the very first time I decided to take myself out. I went to a movie and walked around Oxford City. To be honest I did not really enjoy the “date” because I kept thinking about how people were looking at me walking alone and how I probably looked lonely. To be very honest, it was all in my head. People were busy minding their own business and busy with their own lives. I was alone, yes, but I was not lonely.
I decided to try again, “take myself out”.I did not go with the mentality of worrying about people around me or what people would say if I told them I have “day dates” with myself. I took/take myself out because I realised I deserve it, I deserve the nice things in life and if I can afford it, WHY NOT? I began to feel more comfortable with it and it helped me to get to know myself. I began to discover things about myself I never dreamt of or even thought of. Yes, I know some people pity me and think its a cry for help. TRUST ME, it is not. I enjoy day dates, I make sure I go out once a month where its just me and Jesus. LOL writing it down and saying it to people freaks them out more but it helped me get comfortable with myself.
I enjoy getting to know me and I have realised, i am actually a fun person with very expensive taste. I would recommend it for anyone who is trying to know themselves. I realised that if I learn to love myself unconditionally, I will be able to love others likewise as well.
So here is to more day dates and loving people unconditionally…
I could promise you the world;
I would offer you the best things in life;
I should assure you a happily ever after;
But I will offer you my scars;
I will guarantee you my flaws;
I will vow to show you my insecurities;
Because if you are to get the best of me;
You have to embrace all of me.